I’ll save all the gory details as they aren’t really what this is about, but the final outcome of the latest case has been disheartening at best.
Gwen was never going to be alright with all the work we do, but I can’t help but feel like lately, it may be wearing on her. I hired her to be herself. I hired her to care and to say the things that the rest of us wouldn’t think of when it comes to situations about people and humanity. She made the light turn on again, for me; I had lost sight.
The price of that is she has to suffer through the things she disagrees with that we do. She has to be the one who lies to her fiancé, the one who fights for the bystanders and the afflicted. There’s really no way to put that into a contract. Call me a romantic, but I love that about her. But I think she’s begun to get jaded. Maybe not the way the rest of us have, but in her own way.
I can’t lose her. Since she’s arrived, she’s brought more headaches, more arguments, and more reason to what we do. She makes us remember that we’re human. At least I think I’m still human.
Somewhere in all of this, I forgot to push her away. I forgot to not care. I forgot to not love her. I’ve been working on this relationship with Ianto and all the while, I’ve fallen for Gwen as well.
Gwen has Rhys. I have to remind myself that he’s what keeps her grounded. I shouldn’t take that from her, yet at the same time, I look at him and I know he doesn’t deserve what he has. He doesn’t understand how incredible she is. He’s a good man, but he’s a simple man.
I have to remember that I have Ianto. It sounds so harsh, but sometimes I get so caught up in things that I have to remember that I do have someone. I’m so used to not. I’m so used to chasing.